Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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