Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
