Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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