Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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