Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
