So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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