Joe is yelling at the trees again.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
