You're earring is so big in my mouth
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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