He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
