Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
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How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
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I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar