when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower