I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
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Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
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Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.