Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
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I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
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I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....