My liver just broke up with me...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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