I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
