I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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