At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
