This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
