I'd wear matching sweaters with you
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
