i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
