The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
