hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
