We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
