opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
