I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
