if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
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