happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
