she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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