at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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