If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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