either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
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"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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