my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
