PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
