Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
