Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
