speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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