I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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