Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
