I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
