The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
