Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
