I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
