I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
