but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
