the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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