Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
