I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
