Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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