And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
