We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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