just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
