Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
how does that bad decision feel?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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