I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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