There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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