you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
