dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
