My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My ass is underappreciated
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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