dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
