i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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