The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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