Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
